By GARY STRADLING
Los Alamos
Having written about the scientific validation of the relatively excellent outcomes for mothers, children, and fathers, through the social institution of marriage, over the reproductive alternatives (divorce, cohabitation, hook ups, isolation), and noting correctly that reproduction is the future of mankind, with technologically-advanced nations being at risk across the world because of their falling birthrates, with some at below-replacement level, Stephanie Nakhleh has had a field day making up alternative meanings for my statements.
She suggests that my piece is too long to read (while being slightly shorter than hers!), perhaps hoping that the readers will not make their own comparison. Readers did compare them, and contacted me, wondering “Where is she was coming from?”, noting that she had misinterpreted my statements, taken them out of context, and then had falsely attacked me as hateful. It seems some local extreme liberals (not making a blanket statement here, because I love and have a lot of respect for many liberals) imagine a special mind reading facility, being able to construct whole strawmen out of a few carefully phrased words.
There is a Greek Chorus of them on Facebook shouting imprecations and distortions to readers there. Well, these extremists are experts on hate, but seem to have difficulty detecting the real source. I recommend a mirror.
I do not want to discourage discussion and debate. We understand each other better as we examine together our perspectives, the meanings of our statements, and that is good. I note that every political side touts the “virtues” of their own views. I think that is wonderful. We each at least claim to want good. Somehow it seems so much harder to believe that someone else values good. So, let’s find the good, not demonize each other.
- Marriage, the Bible, and religion- We have a sparse collection of written histories of humanity. They show that humans have been a rough lot. We progress and become more refined slowly, sporadically, and not uniformly across the world, and after progressing, we relapse into bad behavior. Slavery used to be de facto across the world. It still exists. Invasion and annihilation were common. They still exist. Religion plays a large role in our refinement. Today’s society has come a long way, across many constructive advances, but still has many sad elements. The many thousands-of-years-old Biblical instruction (not from the 1950s as Stephanie claims) to marry, to be faithful in marriage, and respect each other has been observed by many over our history, and disregarded by many.
Humanity is diverse. The variations of advancement are not just in nations but in individuals. The extent of our diversity is becoming clearer every day. The success of a marriage is dependent on the attributes of the two people in that relationship. We all come to ‘maturity’ with our own unique set of experiences, skills, attitudes, values, problems, weaknesses, and resources. The commitment of marriage is phrased in some marriage vows as “for better or worse”. We agree to work through hard issues. That increased “binding energy” of a formal, legal covenant, allows us to refine ourselves and resolve challenges that are heart-breaking relationship annihilators for uncommitted couples. We are confident that we will stick together through hard times. That fact of commitment is catalytic. It transforms the relationship. It enables individuals to take risks on each other that would not be tolerable otherwise. That includes having children, staying with a difficult job, tolerating errors. It enables sacrifices and high levels of effort that result in refinement and prosperity. The greatest joys and accomplishments of our lives are those within our families, with our children, and our spouses. They provide the greatest rewards of life for most of us. Sadly, your mileage may differ.
Stephanie got excited when she found Biblical had examples of marriages that were not good, and projected that those “not good” examples were what I wanted for modern families. Really? I hope that we learn from the counterexamples of history and that our modern marriages are the best, kindest, fairest, most respectful, disciplined, generous, happy, committed, and loving of all time.
People today have made great progress in understanding ourselves and our relationships, and refining our ability to be good to each other in marriage and in society as a whole. Applying those understandings varies, even across Western society. Modern technology has compensated for some of the physical differences between men and women. Physical strength and size are now much less the advantage in the workplace. I know fathers who excel at child care and homemaking. I know mothers who can make more money in technology and office work. Modern couples are making adjustments, including who is staying home to care for the children and who is bringing home the paycheck.
Stephanie cites a columnist who is skeptical about the benefits of marriage, providing his opinion to counter several data-laden articles I provided which show that, on average, women, men, and their children in committed marriage relationships are better off across the board: health, wealth, longevity, education, mental health, happiness. Science measures that being married brings better benefits to children, mothers, and fathers, on the whole. Individual cases may not experience that, because humans are very varied.
- Committed relationships and LGBTQ+: Formal commitment between same sex couples should enable them to fare better than a uncommitted cohabitation arrangement. Very little about interpersonal harmony/conflict is about sex and much more is about the willingness to see each other’s point of view, share objectives, share resources, be invested in each other, be patient, talk things out, etc. I see every reason why individuals in a same sex relationship and their children would benefit from increased commitment and the accompanying relationship harmony. Humanity is very diverse. I believe that God loves every one of us. His design is to help mankind do well, on the whole, and to help us as individuals, whatever our individual situation. Jesus taught us to be inclusive, compassionate, helpful, and kind.
- Immigration: I think controlled immigration is very good. We are mostly a nation of immigrants, acknowledging my Native American friends. I personally love and have helped many immigrants, including working with the INS on their behalf. For my whole life, I have sought out and encouraged new immigrants when I can. They are generally very motivated, eager for an education, and are willing to do difficult and undesirable work for that privilege. When I meet a new arrival, I often ask, “what are you studying?” Almost all are enrolled in college while working! (Would that all Americans were as motivated!!) I know some who came with professional skills and now sustain themselves doing common labor, pending recognition of their credentials.
I speak several foreign languages, at some level. I have written extensively on the subject on how to be effective in helping immigrants. My dearest friends include immigrants from West Africa and South Asia. Yesterday during the July 4th festivities, I met and engaged families from Korea, China, Ukraine, and Chile. It was delightful.
We are a world in flux, but this is not new! Population flows have been going on throughout our history, as documented by the ancients and by archeology, but naturally impacts the receiving civilization. Immigration can be a great help to the immigrants, and can invigorate their new communities. A nation must manage immigration coming into it.
My statement that “If we do not have women and men willing to marry and bear and raise children, we will not survive as a society. (But there will be someone willing to immigrate here to supplant us.)” contains no hostility, fear, or bias. It is a simple statement of hydrodynamic flow. Nature will fill a vacuum, as history has shown again and again across the world. Citing current population challenges, and linked cultural challenges of France, Kosovo, or Russia (we could add Israel/Palestine, Turkey, Japan, Korea, Britain, Scandinavia, etc.) apparently does trigger some liberal and conservative extremists, but that is not my intent. Recognizing facts does not, and should not inflame hate or hateful actions. For some who invented a bias in my statement about population flows to construe antisemitism, nope again. I am an avid friend of the Jews, with my second serious reading as a 11-year-old child being a thick book about the horrors of Auschwitz.
Stephanie again assumed the worst about me, and was wrong.
Marriage is good for individuals and society, writ large. I wish that were the experience of each individual, but sometimes it is not.
Please, fellow Los Alamos residents, could we share views without denigration, aspersion, or hatred? If you are afraid of my thoughts, or misunderstand them, let’s have a conversation, not a ‘road apple’ barrage.
