By JOHN PAWLAK
Los Alamos
In days past, saying that someone was willing to buy the Brooklyn Bridge was a nice way of calling them a gullible person who would buy anything. Now, having seen the Brooklyn Bridge myself, I can tell you that at any price, it would be a lousy purchase!
But that was before the internet and online stores made it easy to buy things with the click of a button. The frantic buyer, eager to find anything to buy, can now find anything that can be imagined.
You don’t need six million dollars and a passion for duct-taped bananas to join the parade of mindless spending. Let’s start with something for the musically inclined. Enjoy playing the air guitar? You can spice up your performance by buying air guitar strings and air guitar picks.
Remember the Pet Rock craze? Teaching them to “Stay!” was pretty easy. Now you can buy a leash for your pet rock and teach it how to heel. This is best done when walking your rock downhill.
Why settle for Spam when you can upgrade to a can of Unicorn meat? Then brush your teeth with bacon-flavored toothpaste and gargle with horseradish-flavored mouthwash!
Know anyone who is left-handed? Buy them left-handed chop sticks. Want to stock an emergency kit in your car? Go purchase a can of dehydrated water. Have a bald friend? You can buy him a comb specially designed for bald men. Trust me, he’ll never part with it!
And for the person who has everything, you can buy them nothing. Yes, a package that prominently says and contains “Nothing!”.
That bridge is looking a lot better now, isn’t it?
For a gift that says “Thinking of you”, you can buy a bar of “Uranus soap”. If you’ve got $800 to blow, you can purchase a pair of Jordanluca pre-stained jeans, that is, stained to make them look like you just wet yourself. Heck, I can do that with a normal pair of jeans and a six-pack of soda!
Know someone with a pickle fetish? You can buy pickle-flavored cotton candy. And pickle-flavored ice cream. Pickle-flavored pretzels, soda, and breath mints! Or you can skip the food products and get pickle-scented air freshener to enjoy a pickle-infested atmosphere.
Got a pet chicken? You can take your little guy on a walk wearing a stylish chicken harness. Tired of making mistakes when writing with a pencil? Buy a pencil with an eraser on both ends! Or how about some pet-safe nail polish for your favorite furball?
Not good at puzzles? Buy a 1x1x1 Rubik’s Cube. Want something unique for that special somebody? How about a furless Furby? Or a pair of Handerpants (underwear for your hands)? Need a conversation piece for guests in your house? Go buy a 3D-printed Bigfoot toenail.
So many fun ways to waste money, but let’s be serious. No one in New Mexico would even think of buying the Brooklyn Bridge! That would just be ridiculous! However, I just happen to have a great opportunity for you. Anyone interested in buying the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge?