By LIL ORTEGA
Los Alamos

I never knew how much my mother loved me until I had a baby of my own.

My daughter was a tiny 7 pound wrinkled pink creature with a weirdly shaped head, but all I saw was my beautiful baby girl. She looked up at me through cloudy eyes straining to see her new world, and I was in love. Not like the love I had for my husband, but a love that I had never experienced, and at that moment I realized how much my own mother loved me. That realization was evident from the first moment I held my daughter in my arms.

I looked at her teeny tiny hands and her paper thin fingernails. I held my finger to her and she immediately grasped it. She was perfect! She was beautiful! And I was in utter amazement at what I had just accomplished; but at the same time scared to death of what lay ahead. I was afraid to go home and do it on my own.

The first week was incredibly hard. After several sleepless nights with baby feeding every 2 hours, constant crying and flooding emotions, the exhaustion set in. It was too much! I sobbed because I didn’t think I could do it. It wasn’t until much later that I realized I was suffering from postpartum depression. Luckily, on day seven my mother came to help. She held the baby and I took a nap! She took care of all the housework, cooking, and cleaning. But really it was the emotional support and love that she gave me that made the difference. She let me know that she believed in me and that I should trust my own instincts.

After week 2 we were settling into our routine of diapers, feedings and loads and loads of laundry, mom returned home. Our new normal was busy, hectic and downright tiring, but we were so happy. My hubby and I handled the day to day stress and craziness with a bit more ease and a lot of flexibility. It all made me realize how much my mother sacrificed for us. It also gave me insight into how much she loved me, and my love for her grew. As time went on I continued to enjoy motherhood. So much so that we had a second baby girl. I was worried I couldn’t love my second baby as much as I loved my first, but when I saw her precious teeny tiny hands again, I was in love.

Being a mom is difficult, but it is the most satisfying thing I have ever done. Every stage of growth, every experience and every hard time has made my life interesting and unpredictable. Yet I am fulfilled in more ways than I can count. I’m beyond grateful for my mother’s love, trust, and sacrifice. I hope to pass on what I have learned to my daughters and granddaughters.

I love being a mom!