By Fr. Glenn Jones:

Periodically I pick up a little book by Peter Kreeft, a Catholic philosopher, entitled “Before I Go”, a collection of his musings about life and spirit that he wants to leave his children before he passes to the beyond. Unsurprisingly, a number of his short chapters focus on love, kindness, finding peace, and various virtues. Definitely worth the read.

In perusing a few chapters the other evening centering upon love, I found myself reflecting on the “why” of love. Why do we love. What do we want from it? Why do we do it? Why is it so visceral and seemingly ingrained into our very being? Why the various loves that we have—of mates, of children, of careers. And of God Himself.

Love for/of mates it seems the easiest to determine: animal attraction naturally draws us to characteristics in the other for successful progeny. We men, as you ladies know well, are strongly attracted to beauty; thus the very lucrative market in beauty products. On an instinctive level, beauty is outwardly indicative of health and vitality, increasing chances of strong progeny. And yet men also certainly find attraction toward classic femininity—sweetness, empathy, gentleness, softness. This is why men often love even women who reject them; rejection doesn’t change what men see and long for.

You ladies—it seems to this male from the outside at least—are attracted to outward beauty and health, yes, but also of evidence of future security and strength—seemingly on the instinctive level as assurance for protection and support of offspring. A recent theme that bolsters this observation is young women on social media recently speaking of the rule of 6 for potential mates: 6 feet tall, 6-pack abs, 6 figure salary—health and wealth. After all, until birth you ladies already have a nine-month investment in that little life, and, by maternal love, for the rest of your lifetime; that instinct wants to make sure he/she has the best chances in the future.

But why does a parent love a child?—not a question of challenge, but more of a “What do YOU get out of it?” After all, infants and toddlers are messy, noisy, demanding, resource-consuming, sleep depriving, sometimes expensive, curtain climbing tricycle motors. Well … back to this later.

Plato explores the idea of love in his “Symposium”, in which posits that love is the desire and pursuit of a wholeness which we lack—in romantic love, two coming together to come to a greater completeness … a longing to “consume” the other for greater self-fulfillment. St. Thomas Aquinas, preeminent Catholic theologian and philosopher, proposed that love is the seeking the Good for another—the aspect of charity being imbued in the idea.

But, the cynic might ask … “Why?!” We can’t really “consume” the traits of another and make it our own. And what does charity do but deprive myself of something I already possess?

So … what causes this yet undeniable ache in our hearts—this intense desire of our souls—called “love”? What is its object and objective? What do we in our deepest being want from it?

It seems (to me at least) that both Plato and Aquinas are right in describing aspects of love, but what we really desire is connection. For example, the aboriginal masculine ideal is strength, toughness, material success; this is the face that men constantly project to the world, especially when in the company of men—thus the banter, the one-upmanship, etc. Is it any wonder, then, that beauty, softness and gentleness is what men are attracted to—almost a respite from the constant public persona that they feel obligated to present to the world.

Women seem to want that connection to strength and security, perhaps even unconsciously considering the welfare of offspring perhaps not yet even conceived, which includes security for themselves so that they can care for and protect those offspring. Ladies’ attraction to rebels and “bad boys” is simply due to the apparent verification of independence and self-confidence, indicating strength.

But, then … why love offspring? Why aren’t humans like animals that give birth and then let the offspring fend for themselves?

Well, obviously there is the survival aspect: some animals evolved to do the above, and others—pretty much all mammals especially—care for, nurture, and protect their young. Ah, but there is that intense movement of heart that makes us ache to protect and nurture—why is that? There again is connection. In a child we witness innocence, sweetness, trust, honesty of emotion … all of which become diminished in ourselves in the crucible of life’s experience of treacheries, duplicities, self-interested heartlessness, etc. Children still have that endearing honesty of affection that wraps us around their little fingers … and ready to give our lives to protect them. In protecting them we protect what is best in and of ourselves.

Space limits what can be said here of other loves—that of adult family, friends, etc.; perhaps a good thinking exercise for readers this week. But what of love of God?—both His love for us, and our love for Him?

Again, connection. Briefly: in monotheism the one God is the source of all we are, and like salmon seeking that one pool in which they were spawned, our life’s whole journey—our innate desire, whether conscious of unconscious—is to return to our source … to “re-connect” fully to Him from whom we came and who has given us life. And connection also at least partially explains Jesus’ admonition for us to “love one another”—“connect” with one another in, as Aquinas said, seeking the good for one another. Thus Jesus other vital admonition of forgiveness—again, connection rather than separation. Relationship rather than division.

For, as St. Paul writes, the Christian hope is for us to come together as one Body, with Christ as the head. And, as Paul explains, all the parts of a body seek the good of the whole, for we are connected by our common humanity … by our common source. So, only in connection—only in love—do we find completeness … happiness … wholeness. And, since God is love … as St. Augustine says, we are restless until we rest—until we connect—in Him.

Editor’s note: Rev. Glenn Jones is the Vicar General of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe and former pastor of Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church in Los Alamos.