By NICOLAS PILAT
A recent letter written by Dean and Linda Spiker forebodingly states, “With every ungodly law that has been instituted there have been consequences from heaven that have come upon our nation.” At first, I was hesitant to agree with this prediction of American misery. I refused to believe.
Until I woke from my afternoon nap.
My eyes opened, and immediately I noticed my hair was very dirty. I had washed it just this morning, and it degraded into a jellyfish-like mass in less than seven hours! I thought to myself that I must have taken my shower in a dream. Then, as I was preparing to wash my hair again, I remembered the Spikers’ spooky foretelling of consequences from heaven.
It was only then that I put two and two together. I realized Judge Parker’s ruling had stirred the wrong pot, and now I was suffering for it. Warily, I left the safety of my bed and proceeded to open a can of Ravioli. “Right, I need a bowl.” I said, just before I found that all of the bowls had been used already. Not one to give up so soon, I decided to use a bowl from my emergency stack of paper bowls. Unfortunately, Judge Parker’s decision didn’t mix well with the powers above and I found that all of my paper bowls were gone.
Frustrated, I decided to go for a walk. This also didn’t go as planned, because Judge Parker’s ruling had so irreparably damaged faith itself that when I went to open the door, I stubbed my toe on it. Clearly, forces far outside my reach had moved my foot in such a way that it painfully collided with my door. This, I realized was the final nail in the coffin of my destiny. Sad, and feeling the weight of Mt. Horeb on my shoulders, I climbed back into bed.
Thank you, Judge Parker, for ushering in a new era of household emergency.